alone

i always seem to want to write these things after i have been alone for a long period of time. Sitting in my living room solo for 3 hours has been anything productive for me. All i can think about are my fears, short comings, hopes, and everything else in between. All the bad going on in the world natural or man. I dont know where to go with this but my brain feels like a chaotic mess...

<3

Loss

With one game left in the season, a devastating loss to the last place team last weekend, and a HUMILIATING loss by almost 40 points yesterday, all I can do right now is just sit in my apartment in a daze. Us making the playoffs rests on whether or not we win on Saturday. We are 0-19 on saturdays, and the past few games i feel like we should be 0-325354 because thats what we deserve. We control our own destiny. We will determine whether or not we get into the playoffs and try to make it to championship weekend. But right now i dont trust the girls on my team to want to get there. I feel that most of them just want this season to end so that they can prepare for next year. However what some of them don't know is that they will not be at this program next year. They will either be watching from the sidelines or at a completely different school. And its unbelievable that all was ever asked was to want it and to play hard. And thats why you are leaving because you weren't able to do either. Just 4 games. 4 wins and we are cutting down another net. It doesn't seem that daunting, but when we have only won 2 in a row one time this season. I hope you can see why I am worried. So since noon, when i woke up, i have been procrastinating. Hoping that an answer will pop into my head, or that I wont feel like breaking down into tears, or a million other things. My "basketball player" title is soon to leave me, and i dont know what to do about it. Basketball has been the one thing i have been able to identify myself with no matter where i was, and thats about to end. I'm about to lose part of my identity. I have given up so much for this sport i love: parties, friends, weekends, and time. I've had great times and bad times and memories that will last me a life time, but what i forgot to remember is that basketball will not last me a lifetime. At some point, possibly saturday, i will no longer be a basketball played, but rather a retired college athlete and i must enter the realword. and find myself another title somewhere in the world. This has to be the most depressed i have been since i was at my old school.. But can you blame me? Can you really be angry at me for the fact that im about to lose something i love. Basketball is my best friend and it's about to die. perhaps i should have a funeral or a memorial service. when i explain this to people who never played, they dont get it. they wonder if i regret my choices and wish i woudl have done something different, and that is not the case. Ask someone who has played basketball for as long as i have and they will have no words to explain what it feels like to have this void in their life. I'm sorry if you think i am exxaggerating because you dont know what its like. But its the truth. <3

so tomorrow i have my last first scrimmage. I cant believe that i have already been in college for three years, and this is it. This year is really GO HARD OR GO HARD.. because once i go home, thats it.. it's over. it amazing how time flies.. every once in a while i find myself day dreaming in class or what have you about dying. Whats its going to feel like, or my parents dying and it scares me.. 21 years are gone so fast.. and im sure the rest only go faster.

I'v also come to the conclusion that i have no friends. When i make friends or a "boy friend" i am with them fo some time and then psuh them away. i have to stop pushing them away, but i want someone who will push back harder... someone that wants to see me.. that almost needs to see me and be with me. I guess its hard to describe but at the same time i love being alone, its lonely over here. I dont know wat to think or want anymore. this just frustrates me.. but i cant do anything about it right now..

i just wish i had someone that i could talk to all the time. I turn to my best friends brother but i feel like even that will become dangerous. well.. wish me luck

*all it takes is faith, trust, and pixie dust*

just and fyi.. i work at a very popular bar on long island. the only downside is when i go out to this bar that i work at i get drunk out of my mind. although this may sound like a good thing.. and i guess in a sense it is. i go home alone. i am so used to having someone there that i can have sex with that drinkin and then beign alone is severely depressing... i am drunk.. i want sex.. i cant explain it any simpler.. and i have no shame is saying that as a female i like sex. that doesn't mean i' m a hoe. just means that i live the act of having sex.. i cant even speak about it..

xoxo

like i said i like to bite. i like i rought.. biting.. smaking.. all that rough nasty stuff other girls prefer not to discus i love. flaw.. perhaps.. but you know.. but maybe just a chance to be someone else..
RUFF STUFF!!!!

xoxo

i like to bite =]~

preseason starts on the 8th.. and i feel that my coach is going to be incredibly disappointed in me. Not for soley being out of shape, but for also being HIS kid that is not in the best of shape. We have this sort of beep test to take at 6am the first day of school. Although its only 10 minutes, that can be a long time when its hell. I'm going to see if we'll be allowed to listen to headphone or something.. but im jus so nervous. My mom thinks something is wrong with me, when im just so worried that i am in fact going crazy. I have a lot of things on my mind.

the first is the above, preseason.

the second is km. i think im actually done. The hard part would be to actually believe that, which i dont. I wish i could so that i could "move on" but the question is do i really want to. I battle this question everyday, and have yet to find an answer.

this is my last yr. there is no more learning so that next year i can do it better. THERE IS NO NEXT YEAR and that scares me. I didn give this summer all i had and now its gone and i can never get it back. I have 1 week to do SOMETHING to get my ass in some sort of shape so that i dont die and make a fool of myself as the captain of the team. im also worried about the dynamics of this team. its not all of us in one place this year when i can see everything and watch things as they unfold, there are three places, and only one of which i have eyes... my own. it makes me crazy that the evils that i left at my old school, could some how reappear here. The only hope is that my coach will see it, and i wont have to say anything about it.

so much else runnin through my mind, but a day is a long time and to remember to write it down late at night is alot to ask.

and listen.. if you are reading this.. if you wouldnt mind leavin some sort of comment so i know im not cyber-ly talkin to myself i would appreciate it.

xoxo