just and fyi.. i work at a very popular bar on long island. the only downside is when i go out to this bar that i work at i get drunk out of my mind. although this may sound like a good thing.. and i guess in a sense it is. i go home alone. i am so used to having someone there that i can have sex with that drinkin and then beign alone is severely depressing... i am drunk.. i want sex.. i cant explain it any simpler.. and i have no shame is saying that as a female i like sex. that doesn't mean i' m a hoe. just means that i live the act of having sex.. i cant even speak about it..

xoxo

like i said i like to bite. i like i rought.. biting.. smaking.. all that rough nasty stuff other girls prefer not to discus i love. flaw.. perhaps.. but you know.. but maybe just a chance to be someone else..
RUFF STUFF!!!!

xoxo

i like to bite =]~

preseason starts on the 8th.. and i feel that my coach is going to be incredibly disappointed in me. Not for soley being out of shape, but for also being HIS kid that is not in the best of shape. We have this sort of beep test to take at 6am the first day of school. Although its only 10 minutes, that can be a long time when its hell. I'm going to see if we'll be allowed to listen to headphone or something.. but im jus so nervous. My mom thinks something is wrong with me, when im just so worried that i am in fact going crazy. I have a lot of things on my mind.

the first is the above, preseason.

the second is km. i think im actually done. The hard part would be to actually believe that, which i dont. I wish i could so that i could "move on" but the question is do i really want to. I battle this question everyday, and have yet to find an answer.

this is my last yr. there is no more learning so that next year i can do it better. THERE IS NO NEXT YEAR and that scares me. I didn give this summer all i had and now its gone and i can never get it back. I have 1 week to do SOMETHING to get my ass in some sort of shape so that i dont die and make a fool of myself as the captain of the team. im also worried about the dynamics of this team. its not all of us in one place this year when i can see everything and watch things as they unfold, there are three places, and only one of which i have eyes... my own. it makes me crazy that the evils that i left at my old school, could some how reappear here. The only hope is that my coach will see it, and i wont have to say anything about it.

so much else runnin through my mind, but a day is a long time and to remember to write it down late at night is alot to ask.

and listen.. if you are reading this.. if you wouldnt mind leavin some sort of comment so i know im not cyber-ly talkin to myself i would appreciate it.

xoxo

fears

so i messed this up and had a new blog for ever post... time to fixxx

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

fears

So i was watching that new VH1 show about conquering OCD, which i honestly dont have. But what i found interesting was that the doctor made all the patients write down their deepest fears, the worst possible thing that could happen if they stop doing their rituals, and it made me think... What are mine? Being 21 and going to begin my senior year of college, i have grown alot as a person but still feel i have more to grow. I have been exclusive with a guy for the better part of two and a half years, yet when he asked me to be his girl friend i said no. That may have something to do with the fact that i no longer think that i am "in love" with him any more and perhaps I am just with him for the simple fact that i know, for the time being, he will always be there for me. But I am also scared. what if i never leave him and i end up "settling" for him. I mean he is a great guy, but is he a great guy for me. I've already told him once that i know longer felt the urge to kiss him, and if that isnt a blow to his ego then the second time around will be. Part of me is waiting for him to screw up. And i guess in a sense he has several times, but nothing ever catostrophic. Or maybe it was and I was too blind to see it. I dont know. But what i do know is that I am 21 attractive, intelligent, highly social... and yet to have some form of a boy friend. So i guess one of my fears that i need to conquer is being afriad that i'm going to live life alone with out a husband, or a family, or something.

2nd point, almost a side note. I feel the need to eliminate whole groups of people from my life. I fell that sometimes when i start conversations with certain people that i am some what of an annoyance, and i wont have that. But if i dont start these conversations i fell like im missing out on something or that i am some how losing friends. that doesnt make sense, friends would make some sort of effort to contact me, or when i contact them they wouldnt just act like im a nuisance.

well that was fun. Life is great here another day with the people who matter most: my family and friends. so hopefully there are many more to come, with the least amount of bumps as possible

xoxo

Monday, March 29, 2010

1 Year

I think its funny that how in a year, so many thing could have changed. Where you go to school, who you are dating, who you hang out with, and everything else in your life. I'm going to be 21 in exactly one month. And as much as it sucks to think wow I really am getting old, it feels great. However, the best part is to look back to a year ago and think about what I was doing then. One year ago i was miserable. I was trying to figure out whether i should just stay miserable so I could continue going to school for free, and destroying the one thing i love, basketball, forever. However i removed myself from that horrid situation, and havent looked back. I almost have nightmares that one day I'm going to wake up and be exactly where i was a year ago, but then I wake up and remember. I never have to be there again unless I want to be. Whoever, if anybody, is reading this, you don't know me. So what i tell you about myself you just have to trust. I believe that every situation is what you make it. Even if you hate where you are or what you're doing, if you throw a smile on your face and have a positive attitude, you can get through alot. But somethings, especially those far worse than mine, need more than just will. They need action. So do it. Take action. I transferred to a school that I had met the coach for less than an hour, not knowing anyone there, and quit a very well paying job. Now i lucked out. But when i left my school, someone asked me "Well, how do you know that you will be happy there?" And what i've realized is that I didn't neccesarily have to be happy there. I hadn't been genuinely happy in such a long time, that to be happy was a far fetched idea. What mattered was that I was happiER where ever I was going to end up. And at that point, anything was better than where I was.