preseason starts on the 8th.. and i feel that my coach is going to be incredibly disappointed in me. Not for soley being out of shape, but for also being HIS kid that is not in the best of shape. We have this sort of beep test to take at 6am the first day of school. Although its only 10 minutes, that can be a long time when its hell. I'm going to see if we'll be allowed to listen to headphone or something.. but im jus so nervous. My mom thinks something is wrong with me, when im just so worried that i am in fact going crazy. I have a lot of things on my mind.

the first is the above, preseason.

the second is km. i think im actually done. The hard part would be to actually believe that, which i dont. I wish i could so that i could "move on" but the question is do i really want to. I battle this question everyday, and have yet to find an answer.

this is my last yr. there is no more learning so that next year i can do it better. THERE IS NO NEXT YEAR and that scares me. I didn give this summer all i had and now its gone and i can never get it back. I have 1 week to do SOMETHING to get my ass in some sort of shape so that i dont die and make a fool of myself as the captain of the team. im also worried about the dynamics of this team. its not all of us in one place this year when i can see everything and watch things as they unfold, there are three places, and only one of which i have eyes... my own. it makes me crazy that the evils that i left at my old school, could some how reappear here. The only hope is that my coach will see it, and i wont have to say anything about it.

so much else runnin through my mind, but a day is a long time and to remember to write it down late at night is alot to ask.

and listen.. if you are reading this.. if you wouldnt mind leavin some sort of comment so i know im not cyber-ly talkin to myself i would appreciate it.

xoxo