Loss

With one game left in the season, a devastating loss to the last place team last weekend, and a HUMILIATING loss by almost 40 points yesterday, all I can do right now is just sit in my apartment in a daze. Us making the playoffs rests on whether or not we win on Saturday. We are 0-19 on saturdays, and the past few games i feel like we should be 0-325354 because thats what we deserve. We control our own destiny. We will determine whether or not we get into the playoffs and try to make it to championship weekend. But right now i dont trust the girls on my team to want to get there. I feel that most of them just want this season to end so that they can prepare for next year. However what some of them don't know is that they will not be at this program next year. They will either be watching from the sidelines or at a completely different school. And its unbelievable that all was ever asked was to want it and to play hard. And thats why you are leaving because you weren't able to do either. Just 4 games. 4 wins and we are cutting down another net. It doesn't seem that daunting, but when we have only won 2 in a row one time this season. I hope you can see why I am worried. So since noon, when i woke up, i have been procrastinating. Hoping that an answer will pop into my head, or that I wont feel like breaking down into tears, or a million other things. My "basketball player" title is soon to leave me, and i dont know what to do about it. Basketball has been the one thing i have been able to identify myself with no matter where i was, and thats about to end. I'm about to lose part of my identity. I have given up so much for this sport i love: parties, friends, weekends, and time. I've had great times and bad times and memories that will last me a life time, but what i forgot to remember is that basketball will not last me a lifetime. At some point, possibly saturday, i will no longer be a basketball played, but rather a retired college athlete and i must enter the realword. and find myself another title somewhere in the world. This has to be the most depressed i have been since i was at my old school.. But can you blame me? Can you really be angry at me for the fact that im about to lose something i love. Basketball is my best friend and it's about to die. perhaps i should have a funeral or a memorial service. when i explain this to people who never played, they dont get it. they wonder if i regret my choices and wish i woudl have done something different, and that is not the case. Ask someone who has played basketball for as long as i have and they will have no words to explain what it feels like to have this void in their life. I'm sorry if you think i am exxaggerating because you dont know what its like. But its the truth. <3